On November 11th 2015 I went to see the wonderful GLove (aka Gail Schock) talk at her #beinghappiness event.
During the evening she mentioned what she calls the "The Voice Thief" and in doing so she helped me put words to something I struggle with - my inability to speak about certain things. This had become an "issue" in itself, with me beating myself up whenever I failed to be open & vulnerable, still keeping those I trusted at an arms length.
Gail's words really resonated with me, so much so that a few days later I felt compelled to write about my own experience with the "Voice Thief."
The Voice Thief
The voice thief slowly crept into my life, into my body.
Arriving in early adolescence, he was a permanent fixture by my mid teens, taking up space in the lonely and confused part of my heart.
A cunning thief, he disguised himself as a friend, his role to protect me, from fear, from shame, from judgement.
He worked in partnership with my secrets - Self harm, food "issues", sexuality, all favourite topics to keep for himself.
He made his presence known through anxiety, knots in my stomach and a lump in my throat which words could not pass by.
When they did pass, he was not happy, I had betrayed him by speaking the words he held so dear and for that I was punished.
Tears, self-doubt, repetitive thoughts, guilt, so much guilt.
There were also the times he made me physically sick to my stomach, letting me know that I had not won.
The years passed before I realised that he was not my friend
He fed off my insecurities, my silence protected him not me.
He grew strong as I grew weak.
Once I became aware of this, I knew I needed to take action.
Overcoming this thief is an ongoing process, but I have found a voice through the written word and slowly, but surely those words are being verbalised.
And the biggest threat to this thief, to fear, to shame, to judgement -
Vulnerability, compassion and acceptance.
(On a slight side note, it is the people I have met through #HigherSelfie that have been the most compassionate and accepting. I still have a long way to go, but I have grown & learnt so much this past year when it has come to being vulnerable and my authentic self thanks to them.)